Absolutely Hysterical
by sweetsheart
Summary: When your eighteen-year old fiancée is pregnant, it's only natural to go through some changes. However, Spirit Albarn is taking it to a whole other level. Spirit/Kami, some Stein/Marie. 50th story crack spectacular!


"Spirit? You coming?"

"… No!"

Marie raised an eyebrow and looked over at her heavily-pregnant best friend, and the woman's short, sandy-blonde haired hit her shoulders as she shrugged.

"I don't know. He's been like this since last night." she tilted her head to the side to stretch her neck, feeling her daughter kick as she did.

"Oh, geez!" Kami clutched her stomach and winced. Marie sighed and pat Kami gently on the shoulder as she stood up.

"I'm going to go and check on the Incredible Sulk." Marie walked out of the room, Kami giving a little giggle as she did so. Marie walked up to Spirit and Kami's room and knocked on the door.

"Go away!" Marie swore she could hear a little teary tweak in Spirit's voice. She raised an eyebrow and pushed the door open gently to see a red-eyed Spirit sitting on the bed, his jeans unbuttoned and rather awkwardly around his knees and his hair tied back.

"I said go away, didn't I?" Spirit's voice turned more aggressive with Marie's presence.

"Spirit… sweetie, what's the matter?" Marie asked. She sat down and grasped Spirit's shoulder, and he dropped his head and she swore he nearly began to cry.

"I… I just… I…" Spirit couldn't get his words out. Marie looked at Spirit and he raised his head, shame swimming in his eyes.

"_I don't fit into my jeans._"

Marie was very restrained – she did not laugh or even raise an eyebrow. She looked at Spirit sympathetically and sighed.

"Spirit, you're eighteen. Maybe it was just a last little tiny growth spurt." Marie said.

"It's not!" Spirit exclaimed, "I'm getting _fat!_"

"Spirit, no, you're not!" Marie exclaimed. Spirit looked up at her and rubbed at his eyes.

"I am! They don't' fit around my waist, I don't fit into my shoes and I'm _ugly!_"

_Geez,_ Marie thought, _he's worse than me at that time of the month. Ask anyone – that's saying something._

"Spirit, I'm sure it's nothing." Marie tried to reassure Spirit.

"It is though, Marie! It is! I've been eating strangely and this is what I get! Fat!"

And then it clicked in Marie's mind.

_He's gained weight. His shoes don't fit. He's eating weirdly._

"Spirit, sweetie, I've got to make a call. You stay here and we'll work something out, okay?" Marie asked. Spirit looked at Marie and gave a small, upset nod. Marie stood up and walked out of the room, past a confused looking Kami.

"Give me a second." Marie walked out into the hallway and pulled out her phone, dialling her meister's number. After a few rings, he picked up, a disgruntled tone to his voice.

"_What is it, Marie, I was in the middle of a lecture."_

"Stein, Spirit's pregnant."

It was like the line went dead. After what Marie said, it wouldn't be surprising.

"…_Excuse me?_"

"Alright, uh… How legitimate is the whole hysterical pregnancy thing?"

"_Uh… potentially legitimate, given the right combination of people…"_

"Heavily pregnant Kami, overly feminine Spirit."

"_... Yo want me to come over, don't you?"_

"Uh huh."

"_Marie, this lecture is important and I…"_

"Stein, Spirit's in his bedroom with his pants around his knees and I don't know what to do." Marie had broken out the begging tone of voice and Stein sighed.

"_Give me fifteen minutes. You owe me."_

"Oh, thank you! And bring a pair of pants."

"… _Excuse me?"_

"Spirit's pants are all spray-on tight. None of them fit him."

"_And…"_

"Just come here. Bring pants."

"… _You are so weird."_

"Coming from you."

"_Marie…"_

"Come on, I'm invoking weapon-and-roommate privilege here, Stein."

"… _Fine."_

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, Stein! Love you lots!"

"_Bye, Marie." _Stein hung up the phone as did Marie. She walked back into the apartment and noticed Kami's expression.

"You want the pickles?" Marie asked. Kami looked up at Marie and nodded profusely. Marie rolled her eyes and opened a cupboard, pulling out the pickle jar and handing it to Kami. She held it in her hands and tried desperately to undo the lid, but found that she couldn't. Marie gave a little laugh and took the jar, undoing it with one swift jerk.

"There you go." Marie smirked.

"I forget how strong you are. Then I remember you opening all those coffee jars for Jo-" Marie shot Kami a look and she corrected herself.

"I mean… He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-Because-He-Is-A-Jerkface." Kami said. Marie sighed and sat back on the couch, slightly disgruntled at the mention of her ex.

"Baby, how are you doing in there?" Kami called. A thud and a cry of displeasure rang out from the room and Kami and Marie winced in unison.

"Okay! Sounds good!" Kami called.

After a few more minutes of waiting, the door opened once more and a slightly disgruntled silver-haired man walked into the apartment. Marie stood from her seat, took the trousers he had brought from the man and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thank you, Stein." she smiled, walking back into the room where Spirit was. Stein walked over to sit next to his former weapons' fiancée, and she smirked.

"Got a little bit of a blush there, do we, Franken?" Kami asked. Stein turned to her, green eyes dubious.

"Must be some pregnancy-related hallucinations." Stein said.

"Oh, just because you've been a med student for two months now, suddenly you're _Doctor_ Stein. That sounds _weird._" Kami said.

"You're right there." Stein admitted.

Back in with Spirit and Marie, Spirit had put the replacement pants on with ease, settling him somewhat. Marie looked through Spirit's wardrobe and pulled out a Shibusen sweatshirt, throwing it onto the bed.

"Don't worry about going out today. You, Kami, Stein and I will all sit in, okay?" Marie asked. Spirit looked at her and gave a relieved smile.

"I think that'll be good." Spirit said. Marie smiled and nodded.

"I'll let you get dressed." Marie walked out of the room and back to the living room. Kami had an eyebrow raised and Stein looked up at Marie.

"You think he's having a hysterical pregnancy? Really?" Kami asked. Marie shrugged and looked at Stein.

"I think he's just a whiny bitch."

"Stein!"

"Well… maybe. It's possible. It's fairly late in your pregnancy and he's stressed out because of the whole Deathscythe situation." Stein said.

"So… it's like he's pregnant… but not pregnant?" Kami asked.

"… Yes." Stein nodded. Spirit walked out of the bedroom and everyone fell silent and all eyes flicked to him.

"Hey, babe." Kami smiled. Marie gave an smile but Stein just groaned.

"Spirit, you're not pre – _Oof!" _Kami thwacked Stein with a pillow and he silenced. Spirit walked over to Kami and sat down next to her, snaking his arms around her waist and resting his head on her shoulder.

"Not a good day, babe?" Kami asked. Spirit shook his head. Kami gave a little smirk and sighed.

"Well, now you know how I feel all the time." Kami said.

"Huh?" Spirit asked, still a little snotty from his crying. Kami's eyes widened and she realised what she'd done. She looked over at Marie, who looked at Stein, who sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Spirit, have you ever heard of something called a hysterical pregnancy?" Stein asked. Spirit rose his eyebrows and his eyes widened.

"What?" he asked.

"Look. When you're constantly in close proximity with a pregnant woman, sometime you have the same emotional and physiological symptoms as them. You're saying you feel heavier? Your shoes don't fit? Gaining weight? Do you realise who else has been doing this for nearly six months now?" Stein tried to urge the redhead.

"Stein, that's ridiculous!" Spirit exclaimed.

"It's not ridiculous. The symptoms can last for only a couple of days to the whole pregnancy." Stein stated.

"_I thought you said you didn't know much about this_."Marie whispered to Stein. Stein turned to her slightly.

"_I Googled it before I left the university." _Stein told her. Marie nodded before looking back at Spirit.

"I'm not having a hysterical pregnancy, you jerk!" Spirit cried, tears welling in his eyes again.

"Spirit, it all points to-"

"I want you to go!" Spirit said, emotionally. Stein rolled his eyes and stood up.

"Fine. Don't want to spend any more time with you anyway, Captain Estrogen." Stein murmured.

"Stein!" Marie exclaimed.

"I'll wait in the hall." Stein sounded slightly deflated as he left the apartment.

"Spirit, I'm sure it's nothing. Just a bad day, right? But I'd better go with Stein – I did pull him out of a lecture." Marie said. Spirit nodded, his brows furrowed.

"Okay." he sniffed. Marie smiled and said goodbye to the two before walking out into the corridor.

"You going to tell me off now?" Stein asked. Marie shook her head and gave a tiny laugh.

"That is ridiculous in there." she laughed, and Stein nodded.

"You're telling me." Stein remarked. Marie nodded and sighed, stretching her arms.

"Do we have any food in the apartment?" Marie asked. Stein looked up in thought and shrugged.

"Not sure." Stein said. Marie rolled her eyes and gave Stein a little shove.

"You're such a boy. Pizza?" Marie asked. Stein shoved his hands in his pockets and nodded, walking out of the apartment complex.

* * *

The phone rang at nine the next morning, disgruntling the two apartment dwellers who had picked up beer with their pizza the night before. Maiure pulled herself to a sitting position, her head throbbing as she answered the phone.

"Hello?" she answered.

"_Marie… it's me."_

"Spirit? Hey, how're you feeling? Better than me, I hope." Mariesaid, giving a small sleepy smile.

"Tell them to go away." A half-asleep Stein called.

"It's Spirit!" Marie called back.

"… Tell him to go away." Stein called. Marie rolled her eyes and listened back to Spirit.

"_Look, uh… I've woken up this morning and I… I feel better. But… Kami's said that I'd been acting like that for a week. I… I think Stein might have been right."_

"Really? Do you want me to get hi-"

"_No. No, I don't, not a bit. I just wanted to tell you it's safe to come over again. And, if Stein asks, I had a… a stomach virus."_

"**I knew I was right."**

"Stein, hang up the handset!" Marie exclaimed. A hanging up sound and a small, languishing chuckle rang out and Spirit coughed.

"_Oh, boy._" Spirit said.

"Don't' worry. I'll keep him quiet. Thanks for letting us know that Hurricane Spirit has passed." Marie smiled.

"_No problems. See you sometime soon, right?" _

"Of course. But right now, I'm going to sleep off this hangover." Marie said.

"_Fair enough. Good luck."_

"Thanks, Spirit. See you." Marie hung up the phone and flopped back down onto the couch.

"Stein, you're mean." Marie said.

"That wasn't what you were saying last ni- _Oof!_" Marie threw the pillow hard at Stein's face and he silenced.

"Go to sleep." Marie said.

"Also not what you said last night." Stein spoke up.

"Stein, if you do not shut up, I am going to _throttle_ you." Marie groaned.

"Please don't tell me you're doing a Spirit from being around Kami so much." Stein pleaded. Marie sat up, dark eyes narrowed, and transformed her fist into a large mallet.

"What was that?" Marie asked.

"I said… I'm going to sleep, goodnight." Stein squeezed his eyes shut and Marie rolled her eyes and rested back onto the couch, trying to forget about the odd happenings of the past day.


End file.
